


Dumpster Diving

by marshmellow_sirel



Category: LazyTown
Genre: Canon Glanni, Gen, I like to think that fanon lives beneath the smelly surface of canon Glanni, Near the end its a little more Fanon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-25
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2019-02-20 13:43:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,739
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13147911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marshmellow_sirel/pseuds/marshmellow_sirel
Summary: Robbie needs to pull his disgusting cousin out of the dumpster.





	Dumpster Diving

**Author's Note:**

> This is for the itholiday gift exchange on tumblr

Four thirty in the morning and Robbie’s phone rang. If he slept like a normal person or that, ugh, Sportaflippityflop then this would wake him up from a deep slumber. It did not. He was in the middle of a classic movie marathon and his second bowl of popcorn that jumped out of his lap on the first ring. He groaned, “This better be important,” he said and picked up the receiver.

“I’m stuck in a dumpster and I can’t get out,” said the voice on the other end.

Well, thought Robbie, it isn’t important. He debated hanging up and unplugging the phone to let his cousin, Glanni, stew in the consequences of his own actions. However, the last time he ignored Glanni for too long Robbie had to bail him out of jail. It wasn’t worth it.

Robbie sighed, “Where are you?”

“I’m behind the dollar store on the edge of town in the green Waste Management dumpster.”

“Town? This town? Lazytown?”

“Yeah? I can’t visit my sweet baby cousin, huh?” Plastic scraped along plastic, a clang of metal, and then the echo of sound filled Robbie’s head. “I just made a little pit stop on the way.”

Robbie angled the receiver away from his mouth and groaned loudly before he pulled the receiver back to his mouth. “I want to ask how you got stuck in a dumpster but I’m afraid to actually ask that question so, in the meantime, don’t lose to any raccoons before I get there.”

“I owe you!”

Robbie agreed. “Yes, yes you do. You owe me a lot and so much more. I want it to be known that if this happens again, not necessarily being trapped in a dumpster, that you shouldn’t call me. Never call me again after this unless it’s to give me money. You understand?”

“Yes! I promise!”

They both understood that it was a lie.

Robbie roused himself out of the lair to the dollar store. Around back he found the Waste Management dumpster, like Glanni said, and sighed. “Why are you in the dumpster, exactly?”

“They throw away perfectly good merchandise,” said Glanni from inside the dumpster. “I was only righting this wrong.”

Robbie shook his head. “What wrong?”

“It’s wasteful to throw away perfectly good merchandise just because it’s a little damaged.” A piece of garbage flew out of the dumpster and missed Robbie by four feet.

Robbie watched the empty bottle roll on the concrete towards the curb with bored disinterest. He crossed his arms. “I don’t know why you can’t shoplift like normal people.” He heard Glanni struggle inside the dumpster and it sounded like he was swimming or flopping on the garbage bags.

“Excuse—” more flopping and then a head with closely cropped (but still disheveled somehow) hair popped over the edge of the dumpster “—me. I can’t because I was banned and I don’t have pockets. Okay?”

Robbie shrugged. “I think that’s your own fault for wearing a catsuit. Its summer, Glanni, that thing must smell pretty bad. Not that you would even notice seeing as how you’re in a dumpster.” He groaned with the sudden realization that by picking up the phone he’s intrinsically inviting him into his home later. “I’m going to help you out of the dumpster with the implicit promise that you’ll not do this again.”

“Do what, exactly?” Glanni rubbed his eye and a smeared something all over his face. Robbie assumed it was makeup but it could have just as easily been garbage dirt. “Go into the dumpster or get stuck in the dumpster?”

“Ideally both,” Robbie said while to tried to find something that would hold his weight. He tossed aside a box and found a milk crate that would serve his purposes well. “I would settle for the latter, though, because I don’t plan on doing this again.” He dropped the crate, upside down, beside the dumpster and stood on it. He grabbed Glanni by the hand and under the arm and heaved. “Help me out here.” The smell was overpowering.

Glanni grabbed Robbie kicked against the side of the dumpster. “Almost, baby cousin, almost.” He managed to get his ass on the edge of the dumpster to sit there for a split second before he spilled out of the dumpster. He landed on Robbie, pushed him off the milk crate, and they splayed on the concrete.

The smell combined with the idea that Robbie was now laying dumpster juice nearly made him vomit. It took all his self-control just to resist the urge to do just that. “Get off me, fat ass.” He was about to make a choice that he would come to regret but now was not a time second-guessing. He shoved Glanni to the side, got up, and brushed himself off. “Get up. I’m going to give you a bath.”

Glanni sat on the ground and looked up at him with raccoon eyes (a makeup/dumpster dirt combination fit Glanni quite well), “What are you talking about?”

“You are absolutely disgusting.” Robbie made exaggerated gestures while he tried to think of the best animal in comparison to Glanni. He was stuck between mangy street dog and the love child of a dumpster possum and a rabid raccoon. He dropped his arms to his sides when he couldn’t find a proper comparison. He sighed, “Come on.” He turned and walked away assuming that Glanni could still get to his feet on his own.

“I am not,” said Glanni when he caught to Robbie, “You’re disgusting.”

Robbie looked over at Glanni who attempted to walk and reattach the assflap of his catsuit at the same time. “Great comeback, Glanni, they teach you that in prison?”

Unsuccessful, Glanni opted to hold the assflap closed as he walked. “I’ll have you know that I learned a great deal in prison.”

“Not how to fasten a button, though or how to get out of a dumpster.” Robbie shook his head. “I can’t believe you even came back here. I thought you were banned or something.”

“That wasn’t official, I’ll have you know, and it’s not like that puke colored freak is around anymore anyway.” Glanni waved his hand dismissively in Robbie’s face. “They couldn’t prove anything.”

They reached the billboard and Robbie pushed the door open. “They did prove it. They proved that you stole the vegetables, locked children in a sweatshop, trapped other children in the sewer, and falsely accused a child of a crime. It’s not like you covered your tracks.” Robbie climbed the ladder and threw open the silo hatch. “The puke colored freak is blue now.” Robbie smirked as he caught the shocked look on Glanni’s face before he climbed down the silo into the lair.

“What, exactly, do you mean?” Glanni shouted down the silo as he climbed down.

Robbie opted to look away from the silo and Glanni’s ass on display and decided to go start running the bath. “The heroes changed. The one you’re thinking of left years ago. He was replaced by some mean, mean, little man in green. Then that one got replaced and now this one is blue.” He could hear the clopping of Glanni’s outdated ugly boots on his floor as he found Robbie in the bathroom.

“You’re really serious about that bath, aren’t you?”

“I am.” He added a few drops of oil for fragrance, a sprinkle of bath salt for relaxation, and just a drizzle of bubble bath for just the right amount of bubbles. Just because his cousin is an animal doesn’t mean Robbie should treat him like one. “I’m also serious that if you shit in the bathwater than we’re no longer family.”

Glanni seemed to consider his options and shrugged. “Fine.” He sat on the toilet and pulled off his boots while Robbie finished drawing the bath. “You’re kidding about the hero thing, right? I mean. That’s a weird joke.”

“No, why would I joke about—” the smell of the inside of Glanni’s boots reached Robbie and he retched “—everything’s getting washed.” He walked out of the bathroom, found a laundry basket, and dropped it on the floor inside the bathroom. “Fill that up with your clothes and boots. I’ll be back in a moment.” He slammed the door and left Glanni, on the toilet still holding a boot, perplexed.

Robbie leaned against the wall beside the bathroom door and waited for the sound of bathwater before he knocked on the door. “You know how to bathe yourself, right?” He cracked open the door to grab the laundry basket.

“I’m not a child—in fact, I’m older than you—and I do indeed know to bathe.” Glanni leaned on his crossed arms on the side of the tub. “I think the gloves are an overreaction even in this sea of overreactions.” He pointed to the purple dish gloves that Robbie wore as he picked up the laundry basket.

“Hardly. Have I mentioned how disgusted I am in your way of life lately?”

Glanni rolled his eyes and fell back into the tub. “Only every other sentence. I appreciate it.” He watched Robbie through the cracked open bathroom door walk to the other side of the lair. “Seriously, though, the heroes changed since I was last here?”

“Yep,” shouted Robbie somewhere in the distance. There were various clangs of metal on metal and then the gentle whirring of machinery. “He’s all right. Not as pushy as the puke colored one. Nor as aggressive as the green one.”

“You’ve met him?”

Robbie returned and leaned on the door frame into the bathroom. “Yeah? I’ve schemed against him for a while now and that involves meeting your enemy under false pretenses. You got to know your enemy’s weaknesses so you could hit them where it hurts.” He grabbed a microfiber washcloth and the jar of cold cream. “You should know. You’re older than me.” He unscrewed the lid of the cold cream, tossed it on the counter, and sat on the edge of the tub. “Close your eyes.”

“I can do it myself,” grumbled Glanni but compelled anyway. He sat patiently as Robbie smeared the cream on, instructed him on the next steps, and then threw the washcloth in his face. “So polite.” But he did as he was instructed and then washed off the cream. “So polite to your cousin, Robbie.” He sighed, “So, tell me about the hero.”

Robbie felt his shoulders stiffen as he assumed the following questions would be about why he’s still in town. “What about him?”

“I don’t know. The heroes change more often than I thought. You said this was aggressive?”

Robbie shook his head, “Nah, the last one was aggressive. Everyone loved him but no one saw what he did to me.” Robbie looked away from Glanni towards the ground. “New one is okay. He’s pretty nice to me even though I’m trying to get rid of him. I think it’s psychological warfare or something.” A buzzer went off and Robbie went to tend to the machine.

“You okay?” Glanni called after he poured body wash onto the washcloth. “I can find the hero that hurt you and hurt him.”

“You shit your pants on a regular basis so, no, I don’t trust you to do that,” Robbie shouted across the lair. He pulled Glanni’s clothes and boots out of the Super Duper Washer 3000 and folded them into the laundry basket. “He was called away, or retired, or maybe fired. I don’t care about how or why; I just care that he is gone.” Robbie dropped the basket in the doorway and nodded to the towel rack. “When you’re done put the dirty towels in the basket and I’ll wash them later.” Robbie shut the door on his way out.

“For the record,” said Glanni as he got out of the tub, “That incident you’re talking about only happened the one time.” However, again, Glanni did as he was told. He walked barefoot out of the bathroom clean and borderline respectable. He held up his arms, the boots dangling from one hand, “Are you done treating me like a child?”

“In a minute,” said Robbie.

Glanni dropped his arms to his side in a show of defeat. “Haven’t you humiliated me enough?”

“No,” Robbie said flatly. He directed Glanni to sit down on a stool by his worktable. Glanni dropped the boots beside the stool and sat like he was told. “I’m going to do your makeup before you leave,” Robbie said and held Glanni’s chin in his hand and tilted Glanni’s head from side-to-side. “Make you look decent before you fall into another trash heap.”

“Why do I have to leave?” Glanni pouted.

Robbie pulled a brush out of his kit on the table and surveyed his eyeshadow pallets. Glanni had a fondness for pink and he barely touched the pinks anyway, so it all worked out. “I never said you could stay and you’re still banned from Lazytown for all those crimes I rattled off before, remember? Close your eyes. I can’t trust you with a full face so I’m just going to do your eyes.”

“Remember that I told you I wasn’t actually banned?”

“Whatever. I don’t want to pay to feed you so you can’t stay.”

“I can go to a hotel.”

Robbie scoffed at that notion and tilted Glanni’s head in the opposite direction. “Listen, I remember the story. You conned your way into the Penthouse Suite,” sarcasm dripped from his words, “The last time you were here.”

“Whatever.”

“Great come back.” He did the finishing touches and proclaimed that he was finished with a purple hand mirror for Glanni to see the new-improved-himself. “What do you think?”

Glanni appraised the look. “I think you spent too much money on this stuff. I can get by with my dollar store makeup.” He placed the mirror back down on the worktable and looked up at Robbie, aghast. “What? There isn’t much different other than price tags. I hope you stole most of this shit.”

Angrily Robbie wiped off his brushes. “There is a huge difference in quality, Glanni, and how dare you say the opposite.” He snapped shut the eyeshadow palette and shuffled everything back into its proper place. “Of course I stole it. I am a villain, you know.” He didn’t. He bought most of it because he wanted to support their business.

“Okay,” said Glanni. He held up his hands in surrender. “I just wanted to ask.” He took a breath asked, but cautiously, “So, do you like the hero. Like him, I mean.”

Pink flooded Robbie’s cheeks. “This is why I keep treating you like a child is because you act like a child. Asking an adult if they like-like another person? Please.” He grumbled something, picked up Glanni’s boots, and threw them into his lap. Put these on and get out of my lair. It’s nearly dawn and someone will see you if you don’t leave soon.”

“Like your hero?” Glanni smirked as he zippered up a boot. “I look so good now that I may be able to seduce him.”

The pink blush changed to an angry red. “Get out. Get out now. You’ve worn out your welcome.” He pulled Glanni up under the arm and dragged him to the entrance silo.

Glanni hopped on one foot as the other was only partially in its boot. “I get it. I got it.” Glanni shouted before he wrenched himself free from Robbie. “I won’t try and seduce your precious hero.” He knelt down pulled the boot on proper and zipped it up. “But, you know, if you didn’t like him then you wouldn’t be having this reaction.”

“Leave.” Robbie didn’t look at Glanni and crossed his arms. His face was still flush with color.

“You’re not going to escort me out of town to be sure that I don’t, conveniently, run into the hero?” Glanni leaned close and smirked.

Robbie wished he owned mouthwash to give to Glanni at this moment. “Other than to spite me, why would you even want to meet the hero? You were afraid of him the last time you were here.”

“That was a different one. You said this one is nice which means he’s a pushover and I could rule this town like I was always meant to, if its true. He leaned with his back against the ladder. “What do you think, dear baby cousin, how do you feel about ruling this town with an iron fist?”

“Like a lot of effort,” Robbie said and spun Glanni to face the ladder. “Up, up, up we go so I can say goodbye to you. Forever.”

“Aw, you’re no fun. Remember when you were fun? I do. I remember when we had fun together.”

Robbie kept pushing against the ladder hoping he would get the hint and start to climb. “I have more fun without you bothering me. Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go.”

“Fine, fine, I have appointments to keep and what not.” Glanni climbed up and threw open the hatch topside. He hopped onto the metal ground and squinted in the dawn light. “Come on. You promised you would escort me. I want to hear more about this hero and his weaknesses. You said you learned them. I hope their actual weaknesses and now what he likes in bed.”

Robbie debated about slamming the hatch shut and locking it with the hope that Glanni would wander away on his own. If only he could trust Glanni. “I will not dignify that with a response.” He climbed out of the silo, eager to feel the early morning breeze on his flushed cheeks, and hopped down beside Glanni. “Come on. I know a shortcut to the bus stop.”

“The heroes are upgrading, aren’t they?” Glanni pointed to Sportacus’s airship. “I remember when it was a blimp.” He held a hand to his chin in contemplation, “I mean, it’s still a blimp but its…modern?” He shrugged. “The last one was made of wood and leather.”

Robbie grabbed Glanni by the hand and dragged him through the billboard through town. He might get lucky. It was dawn so only the baker and some shop owners would be awake and about town. They were easy to avoid. There’s always wildcards, though, but if he was quick then it wouldn’t matter. Glanni cackled behind him. Robbie caught him in a good and cooperative mood last night but his luck wouldn’t hold out for long. It never did.

“Hi Robbie!” A voice called out from the sky. Sportacus climbed down from the airship on his ladder for his early morning jog around Lazytown.

Robbie didn’t look up, he groaned, but kept moving. He needed more luck in his life.

“Hello,” said Glanni in a saccharine voice. “You must be the town hero.”

“Goodbye, Sportaloser,” Robbie felt a stitch form in his side but he powered through the pain to pull Glanni towards the bus stop.

“Hello,” said Sportacus. “I’m always eager to meet visitors to Lazytown. Are you a part of Robbie’s family?”

Sweat beaded on his forehead as Robbie hurried as fast as he could through town. Not that he could outrun Sportacus but he still tried. “No.”

“Yes,” corrected Glanni. “He is my sweet baby cousin. I just stopped by to say hello. It’s been so long since I’ve seen Lazytown and, while I say that it still has its rustic charms, you seem to be a new addition.”

Sportacus smiled, “I’m new to Lazytown, too. I’m Number Ten but you can call me Sportacus.”

“Glanni. Charmed, I’m sure.”

“Ah,” said Sportacus and the smile faltered. “That sounds familiar. Do I know you from somewhere?”

They finally reached the bus stop and the sliver of luck that Robbie retained materialized itself as the 7:30 am bus. The silver shuttle pulled up to the stop and Robbie breathed a sigh of relief. “That was nice, Sportkook, but the bus is here and Glanni needs to leave. Don’t you.”

“No.” Glanni pulled out Robbie’s grasp and turned towards Sportacus. He had a that look that Robbie knew as the beginning of a con.

“Yes, yes you do.” The bus doors opened and Robbie unceremoniously shoved his cousin onto the bus. He stepped in after Glanni to pay the fare and jumped out in quick succession. The door shut on Glanni and he frowned down at Robbie. “Call me, or don’t,” said Robbie with a wave, “Bye.”

The bus drove off with a frowning Glanni glaring at Robbie through the windows. Sportacus looked at the ground instead of Robbie while he spoke, “Was that Glanni Glæpur?”

“What if it was?” Robbie tried to catch his breath from that impromptu jog through the town. He would need a day-long nap after last night and he looked forward to it. He felt so tired he could probably sleep through whatever nonsense those kids or the hero could dream up.

“Number Nine gave me a list when I checked in and said I would watch over this town. A list of names of people that were deemed a threat to Lazytown and the surrounding villages. Glanni’s name was on it in red.” He kicked a stray stone and watched it skip along the road into a patch of grass. “So…he’s your cousin?”

Robbie’s breath caught in his throat. “I got him out of town. I should be given credit for that.”

“I think you should,” said Sportacus with a smile but it faltered, “Will he come back?”

“To spite me,” said Robbie trying to will the blush off his cheeks.

Sportacus shrugged, “I remember reading the report that Eight sent him to jail after his breakout.” He held his hand in his chin. “I need to double check to make sure he isn’t dodging another prison sentence.” He chuckled, placed his hands on his hips, and smiled at Robbie. “Ah, but that’s for later, right?” He took a skip backward, “I’m late for my early morning patrol. Bye Robbie!” He took off for his run.

Robbie sighed. He would need a long nap after all he went through last night. The fact that the heroes all talked together surprised him but not as much as the idea of Sportacus being actually competent at his job. That was something Robbie found to be quite shocking indeed.


End file.
